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The bad weeks are done. April 8, 12, 14, and 18/19 have come and gone for 2009. Nothing earthshaking happened. No ghosts visited me. A piano materialized in my life along with a non-birthday non-party on April 14, the date of my birthday and my mom's viewing at the funeral home. My taxes got done (by me, per our usual custom). My concentration got blown all to hell for three weeks, but other than that, nothing unusual. The weather was just about right for early April. The daffodils are in, and the winter winds are out...
What a time to have to prepare something like taxes. It's fitting though, since my taxes are the way they are because of the accounts my parents left me. It was like communing with my dad, sort of the same way the piano was like communing with my mom. My mom played the piano for me. I was around four years old, afraid of the dark, and not able to sleep. She would play for me and I'd sleep.
I feel old. My parents are dead, I'm 58, and I own two (2) houses and have Accounts(TM). How much clearer can it get. I'm sure a gazillionaire 75-year-old would say I'm young, heh. I feel too old to be helping run gathers. I feel too old to be involved with the people I love. What if they lose me? What will life be like for them? How arrogant of me. They'll probably get over it in a few years and finally be able to live life to the fullest and marry and have a family, not being held back by a fossil.
I think young people should mostly hang out with young people so they don't have to be reminded of mortality before it's time to think about it. Of course parents and grandparents should be a big part of life, but maybe friends shouldn't be old. Old people remind everyone of their mortality. People constantly reminded of their own mortality are less likely to breed. Too many people being reminded of their own mortality during childbearing years would cause the species to die out.
Then again, maybe the whole country (developed world?) is way too segregated age-wise, which leads to throwaways. I hope I never become a throwaway when I'm like 80+ years old.
Hey, this is an insane journal. I can say what I fear the most.
What a time to have to prepare something like taxes. It's fitting though, since my taxes are the way they are because of the accounts my parents left me. It was like communing with my dad, sort of the same way the piano was like communing with my mom. My mom played the piano for me. I was around four years old, afraid of the dark, and not able to sleep. She would play for me and I'd sleep.
I feel old. My parents are dead, I'm 58, and I own two (2) houses and have Accounts(TM). How much clearer can it get. I'm sure a gazillionaire 75-year-old would say I'm young, heh. I feel too old to be helping run gathers. I feel too old to be involved with the people I love. What if they lose me? What will life be like for them? How arrogant of me. They'll probably get over it in a few years and finally be able to live life to the fullest and marry and have a family, not being held back by a fossil.
I think young people should mostly hang out with young people so they don't have to be reminded of mortality before it's time to think about it. Of course parents and grandparents should be a big part of life, but maybe friends shouldn't be old. Old people remind everyone of their mortality. People constantly reminded of their own mortality are less likely to breed. Too many people being reminded of their own mortality during childbearing years would cause the species to die out.
Then again, maybe the whole country (developed world?) is way too segregated age-wise, which leads to throwaways. I hope I never become a throwaway when I'm like 80+ years old.
Hey, this is an insane journal. I can say what I fear the most.
